


What Could Have Been

by MeredithBrody



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Child Death, Episode Tag, F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-12
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-23 07:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/923354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeredithBrody/pseuds/MeredithBrody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erika brings up an uncomfortable memory, leading to an argument about their past. A few days later, Jonathan reflects on not being able to say a proper goodbye. (episode tags to Affliction and Divergence)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. I have this issue when I’m reminded of certain things that I almost always write something angsty in retaliation. This is all because of Sokorra - This ficlet is set at the beginning of Affliction, before Jon is called down to help Hoshi.

There was a part of her psyche that Erika Hernandez didn’t understand. It was the part that meant she could quite happily lay out on the grass in the middle of a thunderstorm and not be even a little worried, but simultaneously worry about whether her apartment would survive the storm. It was the part that meant she could swim in the ocean but not a swimming pool, and it was the part that seemed determined to bring up the saddest parts of her life when she was at her happiest.

It had been a long time since she had felt this content, this calm. But it was destined to be short lived thanks to her apparently self destructive psyche. She was warm, and it had been too long since the two of them had connected on quite such a level. The last time they’d been together they’d barely had time for a coffee. She was racing against a deadline, and he’d only been on Earth overnight. The time before had been their reconnection. She’d finally forgiven him and he’d needed her companionship. The intention had been to rekindle their friendship, they had both gotten more than they intended.

As it was, they were laid together calmly, he was officially on leave and she was off duty. But her mind apparently wasn’t off duty, at least not when it came to just enjoying the moment. So instead the situation of more than five years earlier played through her mind. It wasn’t the best thing, and it almost certainly wasn’t the right thing, but it had been a barrier that she knew they needed to get through to make any progress in their relationship this time. So she took a breath and spoke.  “Do you ever think about him?”

"Who?" Jon asked, tightening his arms around her momentarily. She appreciated the squeeze, and as his arms loosened she slid round to face him. Still not sure why her mind had thought that  _now_  was a good time to bring this up.

"The baby?"

"Our baby?" He asked, an uncertain look on his face, and she smiled a little. She couldn’t resist leaning forward and kissing him lightly, before playfully swatting at his arm.

"No, the last king of the Commonwealth. Of course our baby."

"Sometimes, not often. You?" Jon muttered, slipping down a little and burrowing his head beneath hers and kissed her shoulder. She thought about the question, wondering if she should just give him the same answer, but that would surely defeat the purpose of why she had brought the topic up.

"Occasionally. Normally when I’m trying to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing. He’d be five now, you know?" She asked, and a second later Jon looked up at her and nodded, though it was obvious she’d just reminded him.

"Yeah, last week. How different our lives would have been."

"How different  _my_  life would have been.” She chuckled, but felt the almost imperceptible change in his demeanour.

"Things would have changed if we’d had that baby, Erika." Jon made the point, but she wasn’t sure she believed him. She knew that he would have  _wanted_ things to change, but that didn’t mean they  _would_ have changed, and that was a distinction she seemed to have been the only one to make.

"No, they wouldn’t. Not for you anyway. I wouldn’t have let it. You had wanted _Enterprise_  as long as I’d known you, and you were the one who deserved it.”

"I wouldn’t have wanted to go." He exclaimed sitting up and looking back at her, where she propped herself up on her elbows. If she had had the energy to move any further she’d have sat up and made her point further, but as it was she just stared at him until he stopped fidgeting.

"I wouldn’t have let you stay." She replied, and that was the truth of it. One of their deals all those years ago was that the two of them not have any bearing on his career, or her career, but when they had decided to try for a baby she had accepted hers was going to change. She wouldn’t have allowed them both to change.

"I seem to remember us having this argument when we broke up." Jon muttered after just staring at her a second then getting back in the bed beside her, and all she could do was stop and think back. Pretty much word for word they had had this same argument. It was funny how that had worked out, and how at least this time one of them had had the thought not to allow history to repeat itself.

"You’re right. Five years and we still bicker about the same things." She laid back properly, regretting her words, things would almost certainly have been different for them both. They seemed to pause for a moment, both taking a breath. She was about ready to apologise for bringing it up at all when he took a breath and spoke.

"Things still would have been different for me, even if I had have taken Enterprise. And it is an ‘ _if_ ’. Because at the end of every mission, every bad day, I’d have had someone to call.” He frowned, still leant on his elbow slightly above her, she looked up and found that comment maybe more than a little pathetic, if only because she had always been there for him, no matter what had gone on with them. They’d been friends before they’d had a relationship.

"You could have called me anyway, Jon. If you had have done we wouldn’t have gone almost 4 years without speaking." She shook her head, fixing him with a level glare. When they had gone their separate ways, she never would have guessed it would be three and a half years before she’d hear from him again. She had thought a couple of months would pass and they’d be back sending letters. Instead she hadn’t heard from him, and she hadn’t tried to contact him.

The comm system seemed to come to their rescue, if you could call it that. At least it might give them both a minute to be calm, something that hadn’t always come in to stop their discussions in the past. “ _Bridge to Captain Hernandez._ ”

"Dammit, Hernandez here." She growled as she sat up and hit the comm button on her sideboard. She could still feel Jon’s gaze on her back even as she tried to avoid looking at him. While she wasn’t ready for the conversation to be over, the interruption at least gave her a moment to compose herself.

" _There is a priority call for Captain Archer, ma’am._ " The junior officer who was manning the bridge tonight squeaked. She made a mental note to check who it was and have a sit down dinner with them soon, just to make sure they knew what they were getting into.

"Route it down here." She said then turned back to him and narrowed her eyes slightly. "This isn’t finished, Jonathan. I’ll go shower." She muttered, handing over the comm channel to him, slipping off the bed and padding over to her bathroom. She turned the water on and just stood under, letting it calm her in a way very little managed too these days. It didn’t really last long, as she mentally berated herself for bringing it up to begin with. She was still hissing at herself when she heard Jon come in, and she wondered what that meant for their night.

"I have to get down to San Francisco." He said, and she noticed the use of ‘I’ instead of ‘we’. Making her think maybe this wasn’t necessarily a Starfleet matter.

"Is everything alright?" She asked, worried about the tone of voice. It wasn’t something she’d heard often, and the last time anyone had spoken to her with that tone she was being told that there had been an attack on Earth, more than a year ago.

"I’ll let you know when I get done. I love you, you know that right?" He said as she looked over at him. He could see the worry in his face, but she also knew that it certainly wasn’t about what they’d been talking about. That was all old wounds, wounds she’d reopened. Instead of asking anything more she knew he would tell her as soon as he could.

"I know, I love you too." She kissed him lightly as he leant forward. Even though they’d been arguing, the same argument they’d had five years ago, she knew that it was true. Something she wouldn’t have known half a decade ago. She shook her head at herself, regretting the fact that she’d brought it up at all, and once against cursing her strange psyche. She let the water run over her face and take the worries with it. At least the worries of her last discussion. Instead she turned her worries to what could have possibly dragged Jonathan to San Francisco in the middle of the night while he was on leave, and that that might mean for both of them.


	2. What Makes A Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I started writing this, and it ending up tying in to the first chapter of this, so rather than post it as a oneshot, I thought I'd make this story a twoshot. The song that inspired this chapter is "What Makes A Man" by Westlife

Every time he watched her leave he had to hold himself a little higher so he managed not to break down. Not because he couldn't control his emotions, he could and in any other situation it was easy to do, but when she left he felt like part of himself was leaving with her. Every time she returned from a mission, or he made it back to her, he was relieved. Today was no different.

He knew that _Columbia_ had had to leave. He knew that Erika had her own mission to continue, and he and _Enterprise_ needed to return to Earth and lick their wounds. They had saved Phlox and cured the Klingons. But he still hated that she was leaving. He hated more that he couldn't say goodbye to her privately.

_Columbia_ would have left hours ago by now. He would have to make do with subspace and letters until the next time circumstance brought their two ships together. He wasn't ever sure if that was enough. Especially after their argument just a few days ago. They still hadn't worked out those issues, and he wasn't even sure if they could ever be worked out, no matter how hard he tried. 

So instead he was laying in sickbay feeling a little sorry for himself. At least half of that could be attributed to his condition, the other half was definitely the fact he hadn't gotten to say a proper goodbye to Erika. He had no idea how to get over that particular feeling, he just needed to think that they would see each other again.

For years he tried to put a finger on what made him crazy about her over and over again. Ever since the day they had first met there had been an inexplicable pull he'd felt to her. He'd never been able to forget about her for long, even when they hadn't been together, she'd never really been far from his thoughts. He considered so much. Was it the laugh she let out when she found something truly amusing, it was such a cute laugh, nothing like anyone would expect from her, and it was one of the things he was confident only he heard. Or was it the look in her eyes when she was speaking to him, the look that made him feel like he was the most important person in the universe. He didn't know.

"Captain, you have a visitor." Came Phlox's announcement breaking his internal dialogue, and Jon tried to rearrange the sheet in a way that preserved most of his modesty, but the second he saw who came around the curtain he gave up and instead sat up. Her civilian clothing made him think she had gotten off duty and come straight here. It immediately took him back to the last time they had spoken.

"I thought you were gone." He said before she could say anything. He resisted the urge to pull her close to him until she was stood in front of him between his legs. At that point he reached out and rubbed her shoulder, letting her make the next move. She smiled and kissed him gently, then pulled back a little, playing with his hair in the way that she loved to do.

"I wanted to say a real goodbye, and Gardner asked me to stay around until you were back on your feet." She smiled, but he could see a touch of the strain still in it. Neither of them had forgotten their current issue, and he was almost certain that he was going to have to say something to lighten it. He didn't want to have to say another goodbye with this cloud hanging over them, a cloud full of the pain of years past.

"I'm sorry, Erika." He muttered after a moment, and he felt her hand still at the back of his neck as she studied him. Clearly whatever answer she wanted wasn't obvious in his face.

"What for?" She asked quietly, and he became more aware of the people who were still in the darkened sickbay. He thought for a moment, and he wasn't sure what he was apologising for, but if it smoothed things over it was worth saying it.

"I'm not even sure any more. I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you." He added the last, because he hadn't said it enough since they had become whatever they were now, seeing each other? Involved? He didn't know what the word was, other than that he wanted to hand her his heart and tell her to keep it safe. Suddenly he became aware of her kissing his cheek then whispering in his ear.

"I know you do, Jon."

"You have no idea how hard it is to fight the urge to pin you against a bulkhead right now and show you exactly how much I love you." He grinned, and that was definitely true. He hoped he'd said it quietly enough that it wouldn't gain him awkward questions later. It was true, he had to fight the urges he had to prove to Erika that he loved her. Not that he needed too. She chuckled and that made it all worthwhile for him.

"While I wouldn't necessarily be disappointed in that, I'm not sure I'd want an audience, and I'm certain Phlox would be a captive audience. Next time we're together." She smiled, breaking a little bit of space between them, and he knew why. If she didn't they would end up on the bed, and he was certain that wasn't what either of them really wanted.

"I'll miss you, Rike."

"Everyday, Jon. We'll get through it, and I'll see you soon. If Phlox tells me he's signing command back to you in the morning I've got to take _Columbia_ off on our mission, we're going exploring out near beta magellan." She grinned, and he understood why. Enterprise had never been in that direction, so every light year she travelled was unexplored space, and that was what they both wanted, what they'd both wanted as long as they'd known one another.

He smirked as he looked at her, and was certain that she took it the way he meant. "Sounds important." He teased, and accepted the light swat on his arm that he earned in response.

"It could be. I'll see you soon." She smiled and kissed him again, telling him far more in that kiss than anything she could have said. He nodded as she stepped back after squeezing his hand one last time she turned behind the curtain and this time he was sure she would go back to her ship and go about her mission. This time though, he wasn't going to be sad she was leaving, he was going to be excited about the next time they saw one another. He wasn't sure what it was that made them work, but whatever it was, four years apart hadn't changed anything.


End file.
